I don’t have any tattoos and I probably never will. I can’t commit to any one image to permanently ink on my body. There are so many symbols I love that are part of my persona. However, the recent death of my sister has nudged me to reconsider. The grief process has made me realize the most important symbol to me is family.

So what would a tattoo that symbolized family and the death of a sibling look like? For me, it is certainly not something as obvious as the image of a broken heart or a teardrop or her name in calligraphy (although I love her name and the word Polly looks great in cursive.)

Because I am part of a family of six siblings, I first thought of a series of six lines of varying heights . . . none of them straight, all of them slightly flawed. They would all be dark blue like the shared color of our eyes. Polly’s line would be a lighter, brighter blue because her eyes were lighter and brighter than the rest of ours. 

We are so much more than six individual lines though. We intersect and weave in and out of each other’s everyday lives. But we are always connected. In my vision, the lines then became sticks. Still, none were straight but they would be sturdy and maybe a little gnarly as if they had a past which we all have. 

Perhaps those intertwined sticks become a nest. Maybe my symbol for my family is a nest. Nests are seemingly simple but often quite complex. They can be neat and tidy but constructed of very messy things like bits of garbage and saliva.

Families can be messy, too. Often the bigger the messier. Nests can look precarious but are surprisingly stable. A nest’s interior is often lined with soft things like downy feathers, moss or cloth. Our family nest is lined with soft things, too. Mostly love and forgiveness.

No matter how strong and sturdy a nest is, a strong wind or violent storm can break it. A piece of our family nest fell away when Polly died. Unlike nesting birds, we cannot rebuild or repair our nest. We have to go one with a hole in our nest. And we will. It’s not going to be the same or as much fun. We’ll use our memories of Polly as a patch but the nest will never be whole. 

Is my tattoo a nest? If so, the nest would have a door on the side of it, slightly ajar, because the Polly spirit is always welcome.